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I’ll usher you some transparency - I don’t feel satisfied.
These worship lyrics enter my mind as I attempt to convey my state of mind:
...Pour out all I have and lay down all I am
Making room for you
Lord, I'm ready to open up my heart
To receive, not in part
But the fullness of who you are
Lord, I'm ready
I just want more, I just want more
More of you, God, more of you, God...
...But if I pray a little harder
If I follow all the rules
I wonder, could I ever be enough?
'Cause I try and try
Just to fall back down again
And I ask myself why
Do I try to chase the wind?
I should lean into the mystery
Maybe hope is found in a melody
So I wanna try again...
So far, this semester of my sophomore year has dealt me a great deal of self-reflection, and a fair share of gains and losses alike. I’ll be honest - nothing seems to be going the way that I intended. Where I expected myself to be right now, I’m nowhere near it - and it’s genuinely frustrating.
...Pour out all I have and lay down all I am
Making room for you
Lord, I'm ready to open up my heart
To receive, not in part
But the fullness of who you are
Lord, I'm ready...
Control.
“Take control of your life”, the world says. This statement is the bane of my existence.
I’ve had recurring dreams where I’m driving the car from the backseat, but only to result in complete chaos (and if that isn’t my subconscious mind telling me that I’m a control freak, I don’t know what it is). This seems to be a good analogy for explaining this part of my psyche. I hate to sound quite pessimistic, but it’s honest. I’m trying to get myself where I want to be, but it’s messy and I don’t seem to reach my destination.
My personality is rigid. I’m task-oriented with an over-achiever mentality (and I say this with no bragging rights - because might I add - having this mentality stresses me out more than it has helped). If something isn’t achieved the way I wanted it, when I wanted it, I’m in anguish. I’m pulling my hair with anxiety at the slightest inconvenience.
...But if I pray a little harder
If I follow all the rules
I wonder, could I ever be enough?
'Cause I try and try
Just to fall back down again
And I ask myself why
Do I try to chase the wind?...
Comparison.
If there’s anything that contributes to my discontent, a big chunk goes to my standard-setting. Very often do I pause, look around, and see everyone else at a higher level that I can’t seem to get myself at. This stems back to my childhood - constantly telling myself to push harder, try harder, but I seem to not even move an inch.
Sometimes, I’ll get to a mental state where I even think that I’m not Christian enough. There are moments where I just feel completely disconnected - I think to myself, maybe my prayer isn’t enough. Maybe my worship isn’t genuine. Maybe if I did better, maybe if I were like this, maybe.
I’ll do everything I can to take hold of this standard but fall to burnout because I seem to be trying so hard that I miss it.
Control + Comparison = Discontent.
I’m at a place in my life where I feel lost in the harsh standards I’ve set for myself. It’s a constant back and forth war between my critic and my soul. My critic fights to gain control of my life, while my soul longs to commit to my purpose. My critic wants to pull me down by highlighting where I fall short, and my soul wants me to rest in God’s timing.
I can tell myself all the truths in Scripture, I can consult people who will tell me the same exact thing, but to what effect? I’m not expecting an immediate answer to my problems, nor am I expecting anyone to respond to this with pity on me, but I find that I’m not the only one struggling with these issues.
I’m left with nothing but a cry of surrender and plea.
I just want more, I just want more
More of you, God, more of you, God...
As I scroll through social media, I come across these “inspirational” posts of how one should never stop the grind, that what you do now defines your destiny. I came to the personal conclusion that this “inspiration” is toxic. While yes, there’s truth in the benefits of working hard and making the right decisions that will grant a better future -- but to believe that this is all it takes to be successful isn’t correct.
Furthermore, I’m in the process of discovering my purpose yet also asking the question of what type of success am I reaching for - earthly success, or eternal success? Am I aiming for what the world defines as successful - material wealth and fame, or am I using my gifts to further God’s Kingdom?
I should lean into the mystery
Maybe hope is found in a melody
So I wanna try again…
I genuinely wish I can finish here with definite solutions to share - or even a happy ending. This is still an ongoing process that I need to further pursue, heal, and pray about.
The beauty of God’s grace is that He meets us where we’re at. Thus my life verse, Psalm 73:26 (NIV): My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
So, here’s to trying again - trying to overcome the state of discontent.